You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
