i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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