Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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