I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
