Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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