a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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