Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
