Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
