Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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