i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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