dude i'm inner monologue high
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
