I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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