Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.