I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
