Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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