my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think I won the penis lottery.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
