Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
