I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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