just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
