I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
