Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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