I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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