A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
