proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
