We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
