...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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