Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need a beard to bite.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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