yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
