so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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