He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Your penis caused this!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize