Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
