I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
