Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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