I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
