I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
