I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
nutella sex= disaster
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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