LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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