You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
