i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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