Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Send help, water and tortillas.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
