Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
