did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
