She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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