I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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