just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
