Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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