...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
