he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So much Jack, so little girl.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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