Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
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No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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