My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
