last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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