Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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