i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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