I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
