this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
