it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
