HIV tests are more positive than that guy
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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