went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
