he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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